No Evolutionary Reason for Hair in Unexpected Places

In this episode of Super Familiar with the Wilsons, Amanda and Josh stumble into one of those conversations that starts with a normal errand and quietly escalates into an existential audit.

We talk about the unsettling moment you realize time has been moving faster than you thought, the kinds of questions kids ask right before sleep that absolutely should come with a warning label, and what it looks like to show up for people when comfort is no longer guaranteed.

There’s discussion of aging bodies doing deeply unnecessary things, the difference between “helpful advice” and “internet nonsense,” and the small, oddly specific comforts that start to matter more than they reasonably should. Along the way, listener stories take us into memory lapses, long grudges, and decisions that made sense at the time.

As always, this is a Marriage 2.0 conversation: less about having it figured out, more about laughing while you realize you don’t.

Super Familiar with The Wilsons
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Contact us! familiarwilsons@gmail.com

A Familiar Wilsons Production

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome And Show Setup
• 0:37 Feeling Old At The Doctor
• 2:31 A Child’s Anxiety About Parents Aging
• 5:45 Wedding Style And Dressing Uncomfortably
• 8:44 Beans, TikTok Advice, And Perimenopause
• 12:14 The Indignity Of Aging Hair
• 18:47 Favorite Things To Buy: Soaps And Herbs
• 21:12 Lost Cars, Concert Chaos, And Confessions
• 24:14 Pranks, Trauma, And No-Surprise Rules
• 30:40 Listener Email: Ice Storms And Tuna
• 34:23 Closing Banter And Shout-Out Roll

Transcript

SPEAKER_03: 0:00

Familiar Wilson's Media. Relationships are the story.

SPEAKER_01: 0:08

You got you no, you did not tell me we were doing this spot, and now I do not had not thought about something.

SPEAKER_03: 0:15

The following podcast uses words like and and also if you're not into any of that shit, then now's your chance. Three, two, one. Run. Uh super familiar with you.

SPEAKER_01: 0:37

Welcome to Super Familiar with the Wilsons. I'm Amanda.

SPEAKER_04: 0:40

And I'm Josh, and we are the podcast about marriage 2.0 with kids.

SPEAKER_01: 0:45

And side quests.

SPEAKER_04: 0:47

Amanda, for the first time this week, this Saturday morning, I said something that made me feel really, really old. Although we don't say old, we say experience. Or mature.

SPEAKER_01: 0:59

Or wise. Yes. What did you say that was wise and experienced and mature?

SPEAKER_04: 1:04

No, I said something in my brain.

SPEAKER_01: 1:06

Oh, okay. You didn't say it out loud. So what'd you say to in your in your brain?

SPEAKER_04: 1:10

I said, this doctor cannot be older than 12.

SPEAKER_01: 1:16

I have actually had a 12-year-old doctor before. Um, which was unfortunate because he was a gynecologist, and I thought that like I caught him between like fifth and sixth period when he was coming in to do my exam. It was very well.

SPEAKER_04: 1:28

I figure that's the best way to go to a gynecologist when you're in between periods.

SPEAKER_01: 1:32

Yes, no, that is absolutely, but you knew what I meant. All right, so you went to an eye doctor and he was young? Beach buzz, yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 1:39

Beach fuzz, very, very smart kid. But yeah, no, no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_01: 1:45

He wasn't a resident like he was a full-fledged doctor.

SPEAKER_04: 1:48

I mean, I don't know about all of the gradations of doctor, but he it was his like he was one of the doctors in the practice. Yes. Whatever, dude. It's not a reflection on him, it's a reflection of the fact that I'm mid-50s, and that's just kind of one of those things that you do. And actually, I think that I've avoided it up to this point. I think this is actually the first time I've looked at someone who was a professional and thought to myself, damn, this fucker's really young.

SPEAKER_01: 2:14

Yeah, no, it's not good. It got me like a long time ago, like in my 30s, when I started checking IDs when people would come to pick up kids like the babysitters would, and their and their birth date was like in the 2000s, and I was like, Yeah, no, this is this is not right, but we're getting old, my friend. It's a thing that is happening.

SPEAKER_03: 2:33

Yes, it is.

SPEAKER_01: 2:34

It upset Wenthrop the other night because he started doing math. Math no one wanted him to do. You had gone to watch, sadly, the Miami Hurricanes lose.

SPEAKER_04: 2:43

We're not talking about that.

SPEAKER_01: 2:45

But you you had gone, and so I was here with him and I was putting him to bed, and I was laying with him because he was he was having a little bit of a rough night. And he said, I wish you were still in your 30s.

SPEAKER_04: 2:56

He didn't know you when you were in your 30s.

SPEAKER_01: 2:58

I know, and I I don't know where it came from. No one was talking about it, but it's definitely he's the kid that lays there and his brain just goes and goes and goes. And the other night I said something to him and said, Buddy, you need to go to sleep. This is this music too loud. He said, Mom, it's not the music that keeps me awake, it's my thoughts.

SPEAKER_04: 3:14

Oh my god, this guy, man. I know. He's nine. Folks, if you're new to the show, we're not talking about like our 50-year-old child who's going through midlife crisis. This is our nine-year-old.

SPEAKER_01: 3:27

So he said, I wish you were still in your 30s. And I said, Oh, why? He said, Because when I'm oh god, what do you say? When I'm 35, you're gonna be 66. How did it no for 76? Let's let's see. I was 41 when he was born. Whatever, he did the math. I can't even remember anymore.

SPEAKER_04: 3:46

No one is listening to us trying to figure math out.

SPEAKER_01: 3:49

Anyway, his point was he doesn't want me to get older. And then he told me I he started to cry. And I said, Buddy, it's okay. I'm healthy, I'm taking care of myself. And he said, But I just I don't I don't want your hair to be gray. And I said, I know, I I I I was gonna give into the gray, but I decided not to. I said, No, I'm I'm I'm coloring my roots. He goes, and I need you, I need you to use that skincare stuff so you don't have wrinkles.

SPEAKER_04: 4:12

So he just cares what you look like. I think that this is like one of those stories, it's the start of the story of an author who's written a children's book that is so out there and unusual that really resonates with everyone and everyone buys it. This is your on-ramp to like writing your children's book, I don't want mommy to die, is what it's gonna be called.

SPEAKER_01: 4:33

That's basically what was that that was what was being said anyway. It was really it was really traumatic. So if you have any advice on how to get nine-year-olds to not worry so much, please let us know.

SPEAKER_04: 4:43

My existential dread didn't start until I was like 13 or 14. And at that, it was given to me by a church that introduced the idea of hell to me. Yeah. Um, but we've spared him that, but he's he's way early, like he's trending uh ahead on these aptitude tests here.

SPEAKER_01: 5:00

Well, Muffy did it too. She, you know, she used to be really upset when she was little because everybody said talked about saving the children in Africa, but nobody talked about saving the mommies. That's when she was like five. And then then when she was seven, she was worried, and these were her exact words. I'm worried it will be a desolate wasteland when I have children because no one's conserving energy. So it's not surprising that she's now come full circle and is a sustainability major who's taking humanitarian aid and very jaded by how corrupt humanitarian aid is now. But these these are the children that I that I somehow have have have birthed.

SPEAKER_04: 5:37

But my question is is was she just really anxious or actually a fortune teller?

unknown: 5:41

Right.

SPEAKER_01: 5:42

Well because guess what? I know both.

SPEAKER_04: 5:45

But anyway, shifting it back to lighter things, we went to a wedding yesterday of our good friend Lekendra. She's been on the on the show like ages ago, she was on the show. But it's one of our our more popular shows where she talked about, well, she and you talked about different Southern phrases, but she got married this weekend. And I did a thing, I don't know what it says about me, but I did a thing so out of character. What is it? I purposefully dressed uncomfortably. Oh, I purposefully dressed really uncomfortably so that I wouldn't look like a slob at this wedding for our friend, and I knew that everyone else would be dressed to the nines. And they were. They turned out and they oh my gosh, and so sharp. I tried really hard and I failed. I should have worn my hat. I almost wore my hat. But everyone was so dressed to the nines, and what I did was I dressed in like sheersucker black pants and a dark shirt that had stripes on it or a checkerboard pattern on it. But that wasn't enough because like I look like what I am, and that's just like a guy who drags out clothes that kind of look nice once a year for a special occasion. So I have this vest that I really like a lot. I put that on. Little tight though.

SPEAKER_01: 7:05

Yeah, it didn't look tight, but I could tell you were uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_04: 7:09

Oh man, I was so uncomfortable. And I took it off and I looked at myself as like, no, I kind of look like a really, really nicely put together garbage bed. So I put it back on. I used various tools to get the buttons done up, and I spent the whole time, and we're talking about hours, like sucking in. Yeah, right? Which is pleasant in the bedroom, not pleasant in a in a wedding. Okay.

SPEAKER_02: 7:35

Yes. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 7:36

So but I did that on purpose, and I wasn't I wasn't pissed about or bitter about it. I did it on purpose for my friend.

SPEAKER_01: 7:43

Yes.

SPEAKER_04: 7:44

Um, but that is so out of character for me because usually I'm trying to dress as comfortably as possible. I know I was really proud of you. If I could make all of my clothes out of the material that you make an elastic waistband out of, just nothing but elastic waistbands, I would be so happy with life.

SPEAKER_01: 8:00

I'm just really happy you did not try to wear your swim trunks like you have done out into the public.

SPEAKER_04: 8:04

Okay, well, if if they had dress swim trunks, then I may have done it.

SPEAKER_01: 8:09

Well, happy uh congratulations on your wedding, Lakendra, and you looked gorgeous, and it was a super fun wedding. And um, thanks for inviting us.

SPEAKER_04: 8:16

If Lakendra, you happen to hear this. I don't want you to take anything from it except that I had a lovely time and I dressed up for you on purpose. And so there you go.

SPEAKER_01: 8:45

Not doing it.

SPEAKER_04: 8:46

What what how do you even know what I'm talking about?

SPEAKER_01: 8:48

Because you're talking about the black beans. I know what you're talking about. Because I just had to buy you six cans of black beans at the store.

SPEAKER_04: 8:54

Have we mentioned that here or no? I don't know.

SPEAKER_01: 8:56

I don't know if we have or not.

SPEAKER_04: 8:57

So I was I was reading, no, I wasn't, I saw it on TikTok.

SPEAKER_01: 9:01

Where like excellent, good.

SPEAKER_04: 9:04

Like one of the best treatments for perimenopause is beans. Because it's good for gut health, it's it's fiber, it's let me tell you something. You're avoiding a revolution, you're avoiding the possibility of feeling like you did before.

SPEAKER_01: 9:19

Who told you this?

SPEAKER_04: 9:22

It was some dude on TikTok.

SPEAKER_01: 9:24

Dude, first of all, no ovaries, no uterus, no estrogen, no opinion. Second of all, uh, did you happen to get like the peer review, like evidence-based, research-based data behind this?

SPEAKER_04: 9:39

It had a lot of likes.

SPEAKER_01: 9:40

Okay. All right. This is why I don't trust this whole like first of all, beans are high in carbs. I understand that it's fiber, but it also makes you feel like really bloated, and I already feel that way because of all the the paramenopause stuff. I am meeting with a nutritionist for the first time tomorrow who specializes in women's health and perimenopause and menopause and um also emotional eating. So I know it's gonna it's not gonna be a magic pill, it's gonna be um it's gonna be a lot of work, but I'm looking forward to getting the support. If this person tells me I should be eating a can of beans a day, then I will think about it, but I'm not trusting uh testosterone man from TikTok.

SPEAKER_04: 10:27

I don't think that that was his handle.

SPEAKER_01: 10:30

Okay, well anyway.

SPEAKER_04: 10:32

I just think that w we already know that beans are just playing out good for you. I mean, be above and beyond all that, right?

SPEAKER_01: 10:39

Okay. Sure. Yeah, they're high in protein and fiber. Okay.

SPEAKER_04: 10:44

So there you go.

SPEAKER_01: 10:45

But you keep trying to sell this to me as some paramenopausal like miracle treatment.

SPEAKER_04: 10:51

Because I'm just looking for a miracle treatment, friend.

SPEAKER_01: 10:55

You know what? You can move out. No, I can't. Why can't you?

SPEAKER_04: 10:59

Because all of my stuff is here.

SPEAKER_01: 11:02

I mean, all you gotta do is pack a few swim trunks and your can, six cans of beets, and you're fine.

SPEAKER_04: 11:11

Don't tempt me now. Don't don't tell me how easy it actually would be.

SPEAKER_01: 11:16

Do you want me to see if Jacob's couch is still available?

SPEAKER_04: 11:18

No, no, my dear friend Jacob does not want to host me on his couch again. That was the the upshot from the end of marriage 1.0 sleeping on Jacob's couch. I don't think that it's still open. I think it's a one-time deal for him.

SPEAKER_01: 11:34

Well, there's a house two doors down that the I mean isn't occupied, and I think the garage door is not installed yet, so you could go stand stay there.

SPEAKER_04: 11:43

Yeah, okay. I'll I'll take that into advisement. Speaking of aging, like I've just got to tell you about the the absolute indignity that my body is putting me through right now of growing hair everywhere, everywhere except where I want it. You know, when I was a kid, I was I had a great head of hair, and I had hair in all the uh appropriate places, and on the other places I was a smooth boy, and I liked it. That's how I liked it. Then as I got older, I grew all this chest hair, right? Okay, but that that this all came in phases, right? I started, but interestingly, the chest hair started to arrive when the head hair started to go. So I'm really at that point, I was like, okay, my body only has so many hair resources, it can't handle having hair in all these different places at once. So it's deciding just to branch out and try new things. Not so, though, because then the chest hair stayed and other hair. So the next thing that was to happen is that hair in my ear, or on my ears, right? On the top of my ears.

SPEAKER_01: 12:47

Why? It's not a thing. I don't know.

SPEAKER_04: 12:48

Looking like a fucking wolf boy. I don't understand it. And now, hair on the top of my, like on my nose.

SPEAKER_01: 12:56

Oh, is this why we went and bought the fancy tweezers?

SPEAKER_04: 12:58

Yes, we bought tweezers because I've got now hair. I've got three hairs coming out of the front of my not from my nostrils, which you would expect, and that's fine because they kind of blend in with my mustache. That I that doesn't bother me. It's hair on top of my nose. Why is that a thing? There is absolutely no evolutionary reason for that, right? It's not like that the old animals need to grow hair on their nose to protect them from predators, right? I don't understand it. And if if one is arguing, oh, it's not evolution, there's an intelligent creator. Well, screw them for doing this to me. I don't even understand that. That's worse. That's like intentional. That is like like someone sticking up the almighty middle finger to me and saying, Oh, here we go. No hair on your head where you want it, but you know where we're gonna have it. Three nose hairs, and next, hair on your elbows. I don't know. You know, I just I don't understand it. You don't have like extra hair growing with your own.

SPEAKER_01: 13:55

Oh no, I do like women get it on their chin and in their and their mustache, but see, this is why we keep tweezers in the car. Because you the sun hits a certain way and then you can see it, and then you, you know, like my fear is that I'm gonna be the old lady who doesn't know she has like white whiskers on her chin. Yeah, because I used to teach with someone who's it would get like really long. I'm like, why she was married? Why was he not telling her?

SPEAKER_04: 14:15

Maybe he was he blind? Perhaps he was blind.

SPEAKER_01: 14:18

But you know what you don't have, and I'm really you don't have a unibrow. That's interesting though, because you have really thick, nice eyebrows, but you do not have a unibrow.

SPEAKER_04: 14:25

Actually, if you were to look at pictures of me, my eyebrows used to be a lot thicker.

SPEAKER_01: 14:29

Oh no, that mine are much thinner than they used to be. Nobody ever told me that your eyebrows thinned as you got older.

SPEAKER_04: 14:34

Yeah, that's true. That's true. So mine are actually uh not only do they not have unibrow, but they are actually growing apart.

SPEAKER_02: 14:41

Oh, it's just low.

SPEAKER_04: 14:42

So pretty soon I'm gonna have a patch of hair on either side of my eye, and then that's gonna be it.

SPEAKER_01: 14:47

Like woolly caterpillars is leaving, and then they're gonna be on top of your ears. That's where the hair goes. That's where they're going.

SPEAKER_04: 14:53

It's just so unfair. You're like so unfair.

SPEAKER_01: 14:56

Do you remember those things that they used to have when we were younger that would like have all of the um magnetic shavings and the little wand?

SPEAKER_04: 15:02

Yes.

SPEAKER_01: 15:03

That's what's happening to you is they that somebody with a big magnetic wand in the sky is moving all of your hair around.

SPEAKER_04: 15:09

Well, they suck at it and they should give the wand to someone else because it's j and and of course, of course, it's all going gray as well, which is annoying. Yeah, right. Yeah, you know, we've talked before about you know having gray down there. That is not a pleasant thing.

SPEAKER_01: 15:23

Have you do you have gray down there?

SPEAKER_04: 15:24

I have a couple of strands of gray. Okay.

SPEAKER_01: 15:27

Well, I mean, I don't expect inspect.

SPEAKER_04: 15:30

Yeah, I mean, yeah, feel free. But um, so that's happening. Of course, the gray uh chest hair or whatever. You know what the worst is though? Gray nose hair. Because then it's high contrast. Then it shows up. It's like, oh, there it is. Whereas before, if it was dark, it could just kind of fade into the background, like Homer Simpson going into the shrubbery. Not now. Not now. I have I am turning into the like worst-looking monster. Oh, that one kids. I love you.

SPEAKER_01: 15:56

Be kind to my husband. Yeah, no, I'm just saying. I do have one white eyebrow here and it annoys the mess out of me.

SPEAKER_04: 16:02

You've not taken it out?

SPEAKER_01: 16:03

I did, I do take it out and then it grows back, but I don't like it.

SPEAKER_04: 16:07

Yeah, well, folks, are you dealing with your hair? Are you dealing with hair growing in place? Is is your hair growing in such an unusual place that it's notable? Please let do you have a hair on your eyeball? Let me know. Familiarwilsons at gmail.com, and we will absolutely tell your horrific secret to the world. It's time to play. Find something out about Amanda and Josh that you didn't know before.

SPEAKER_01: 16:52

Oh, yes.

SPEAKER_04: 16:53

So the thing that you don't know about me and that people don't know about me is that I have a thing that I purchase that it's my favorite thing to purchase. I get the most satisfaction out of purchasing this thing, and it's a thing, it's a consumable, it's a thing that I purchase often.

SPEAKER_01: 17:08

Okay. My beans, cans of beans?

SPEAKER_04: 17:11

No, no, no, no. My favorite thing to buy, it fills me with such joy, is my soap.

SPEAKER_01: 17:16

Oh, you do love your soap.

SPEAKER_04: 17:18

Yeah, so I buy this soap. Where do we buy it from? Whole Foods. From Whole Foods, which is weird. Um, but and I don't even know what brand it is. I just know it's Pacha, I think.

SPEAKER_01: 17:27

PHP.

SPEAKER_04: 17:27

I know it when I see it, but it is this it is uh Neapolitan, basically. It's it's got three flavors that are all stacked in a row, and it smells so incredibly nice. And I'm so happy when I get to to pick it off the shelf, put it in the paper bag. Uh I pay for it. As I take it home, I'm like grabbing the bag and smelling it. Yes. I found it yesterday because I actually bought two bars last time about it, which I don't know why I did that. Well, I do know why I did that because I'm always afraid that they're gonna stop making this shit, and then where will I be? That's happened before. Yeah, we had this uh this store in town in Miami that I used to always buy their stromboli. You know, stromboli is basically a dough that's wrapped in a spiral with uh pepperoni and with cheese in it. And I I ate the shit out of that growing up, love that so much. And then one day they just stopped making it. So I shall not make this mistake again. Yeah, no, they make other stromboli.

SPEAKER_01: 18:26

The store was still open, but they just stopped making stromboli.

SPEAKER_04: 18:30

So uh they make other things, but it's not like that brand that I loved. Not gonna make that mistake again. So that's why I bought multiple bars of soap last time. But I kind of need to have faith in the universe because it's I get so happy when I go. I pick it up. Like I was saying, I put it in the bag and I smell it on the way home. I found the second bar yesterday in the bag. I was so happy. I picked it up, opened up, smelled it. Oh, and that's what reminded me that I wanted to tell the world that that's a thing that you don't know about me. That I love buying this soap.

SPEAKER_01: 19:01

I am so glad that you because when we were first married, you used Irish Spring, and that's fine.

SPEAKER_04: 19:06

Well, that's what I used growing up.

SPEAKER_01: 19:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 19:07

But after the they stopped making the stromboli, I would wash myself with Irish Spring.

unknown: 19:12

Okay.

SPEAKER_01: 19:12

But this soap smells so good. So when you come to kiss me in the morning when you're leaving for work, it smells really, really good. I also get a soap from there, and I think it's called Amber Goddess. It's a different brand, it's a local brand. And one of the people at work you tells me all the time, Oh, you smell so good, you smell so good. So when I was in there, I bought her a bar of it.

SPEAKER_02: 19:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 19:31

It was like a year ago. She has put it on her desk. She doesn't take it home to use it. She has it on her desk, and then she has a little fan behind it. So it's just constantly blowing this amber goddess breeze on her.

SPEAKER_04: 19:44

Oh my god, I need to do that at work.

SPEAKER_01: 19:47

So there you go.

SPEAKER_04: 19:48

That is awesome.

SPEAKER_01: 19:49

I don't see if I have a favorite thing to buy. I don't know if I have a favorite thing, but what I'm into right now, I love to buy herbs. And I always buy herb plants, and I think that I'm gonna make them grow and that and I kill them all the time. The time. And I almost did it today. I was at Trader Joe's and they had really lovely potted basil. And I'm struggling because during marriage 1.0, I had a thriving basil bush in the ground. And I can't grow it for anything here. What is it about you that makes my basil bush tie?

SPEAKER_04: 20:16

Well, I think it's your parametopause. I don't know why you're blaming me.

unknown: 20:19

Okay.

SPEAKER_04: 20:20

If we're talking about things that have changed, that all right, folks. Tell us something about you that we don't know. FamiliarWilsons at gmail.com.

SPEAKER_00: 20:31

Welcome back to the conversation. Tell me who I'm talking to. Get on down to imagination. You want me and I am you.

SPEAKER_04: 21:18

So I'm going to read you some of these fest holes that I found. Ready?

SPEAKER_02: 21:21

Yes.

SPEAKER_04: 21:22

I had a phase in the late 80s where I did a load of drugs and booze. Cool. Didn't we all?

SPEAKER_01: 21:27

I didn't.

SPEAKER_04: 21:28

That's right. Rented a room in North London and moved all my stuff in. Went on a bender, lost my paperwork, and could not find the place afterwards. My car was outside too. Never found that either.

SPEAKER_01: 21:39

Like you just never ever found your things.

SPEAKER_04: 21:41

They never found their things.

SPEAKER_01: 21:43

You lost your car and your home and all of your things because you were just so high and drunk.

SPEAKER_04: 21:49

Let me tell you something. If they hadn't invented car beepers, I would have lost my car seven times over by now.

SPEAKER_01: 21:56

But eventually the parking lot empties out and it's your car.

SPEAKER_04: 22:00

Well, yeah, but in the in the case of this person, like you gotta know where the parking lot is.

SPEAKER_01: 22:04

That's fair. What happened to me once with I was with Muffy and her best friend at the time was when I think it was like second grade, and her best friend's birthday was maybe four weeks before her. And for their birthday, their mom and I was a good friend of mine. We took them to see their first concert. So we took them to see One Direction at Raymond James Stadium, which is where the Tampa Bay Bucks play.

SPEAKER_02: 22:26

Yep.

SPEAKER_01: 22:27

And it is downtown. Like you don't want to be wandering around downtown Tampa. Like it's not, it's not the safest thing. And so we had driven, and I was I parked in a like a bank parking garage, but for whatever reason, just thought that I would know where the car was. Halfway through the concert, it starts pouring rain and the girls were done. They wanted to leave. So we but we wound up coming out of the opposite side of the stadium that we went in. So then we just got totally turned around and very confused. We were wandering around downtown Tampa with two seven-year-olds and a five-year-old and me and my friend. And finally, I we hailed a cab and I said, I parked in a garage. It is a bank garage. I need you to help me find this car. And this cab driver just drove us around until we found the car.

SPEAKER_04: 23:21

How many of hundreds of dollars did you spend on that?

SPEAKER_01: 23:23

It really was it was like nothing more than 20. Like it wasn't we weren't far from it. It's just we were so turned around. But I think I was texting, it was right after you and I had gotten engaged. Yeah. So how helpless did you feel knowing I was wandering around downtown campaign?

SPEAKER_04: 23:37

Cool. I uh how how long did it take for you to find it?

SPEAKER_01: 23:41

I have maybe 20 minutes. Okay.

SPEAKER_04: 23:43

Well, that's that's that's not so bad.

SPEAKER_01: 23:44

Well, I think he knew. Like I think that he understood what I had done. And so we maybe went to two different garages. But I I was like, I'm putting my faith in getting in this cab with this person. Like this is this was not an Uber. This wasn't a thing. I mean, it's just like random taxi in downtown Tampa. It was not the safest choice I've ever made, but I hadn't been drinking anything. That was just straight up not knowing where you were.

SPEAKER_04: 24:09

All right, next one. I've been on to my two teenage boys' uh backs for a couple of years. I that was a weird sentence, but I've been on their backs for a couple of years over who's pissing next to the toilet every morning. Turns out my elderly dog wanders in there every morning, cocks his leg up on the toilet. Uh, I saw him while stacking towels in the cupboard. In the cupboard, not cupboard. Jeez. Um, not gonna tell them though, is how this ends.

SPEAKER_01: 24:38

These poor kids got blamed for the dog.

SPEAKER_04: 24:42

See, this is the difference between that person who's a parent and me, because I blame my two boys for something way back when they were in single digits, and I still feel guilty about it.

SPEAKER_01: 24:51

You still talk to them about it, and it wasn't them, right? It wound up being their mom.

SPEAKER_04: 24:55

It doesn't matter. It had nothing to do with urination. But I feel so guilty still feel bad about it. Doesn't feel bad.

SPEAKER_01: 25:03

That's funny.

SPEAKER_04: 25:04

Of course, we have like regrets as parents because we're human beings. It's like, oh, I wish I'd spent more time or I wish I hadn't done that. But that is by far and away the biggest regret I have as a parent. But, and I think I've said this before to them. Oh, yeah, I talked to Andrew recently about it. Recently on this pod about it.

SPEAKER_01: 25:23

Oh, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 25:24

It's good for them that they saw the reality of what a fucking knobhead I am sometimes, so that that fall didn't have to come later.

SPEAKER_01: 25:32

That's right.

SPEAKER_04: 25:33

All right, next one. Uh this is a person saying that they're talking about a nervous student housemate. We convinced him that our our digs, our home, was haunted, rigged a system to rattle the coat hangers in his wardrobe at 3 a.m. He screamed and ran out of the house, was a nervous wreck for days. We never told him the truth. That's horrible. That was 30 years ago. Sorry, Mark.

SPEAKER_01: 25:54

That's all Mark. I'm so sorry. I feel that pain, Mark, because that happened to me. And I think I've told this story on this podcast.

SPEAKER_04: 26:00

Wait, that happened to you?

SPEAKER_01: 26:01

Someone something like that. So I was I was younger than I don't know how Mark was. This I was probably like 10 or 12 or something. And we were in Georgia for my my dad's side's family reunion, and where my uncle Billy's house that we had the um the reunion at was out very it was very very rural. So we had to drive to the dump to take the trash. And my dad and my uncle were going in my uncle's pickup truck, and so me and my cousins piled in the back and we're like, we're gonna ride with you. Well, my brother and my brother-in-law had gone ahead and hid behind a gravestone. And so instead of driving to the dump, they drove to the family graveyard and it was creepy and whatever. And then my brothers jumped out with a sheet, and I wedged myself between in the window that opens between the cab and and the th the back of the pickup truck. My cousin Lane and I both tried to shove ourselves in there at the same time, but it was terrifying.

SPEAKER_04: 27:00

Well, yes, you're in Georgia, so they jump out of a thing with a sheet, and that's the claim. Right?

SPEAKER_01: 27:04

No, it's bad, which wouldn't be surprising. Not my family, but wouldn't be surprising for this area. So yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 27:11

But you grew up with your brothers doing a lot of things. Oh, yeah, no, man.

SPEAKER_01: 27:16

Like pranks were a thing. That that's how I learned to swim. They told me to jump in and they'd go with me and they didn't, and then I was just flailing and they said, Okay, swim.

SPEAKER_04: 27:23

Okay, that's not a prank, though. That's just abuse.

SPEAKER_01: 27:25

And they used to hold pillows over my face. And again, that's I would say, I can't breathe, and they would say, If you can talk, you can breathe. So I mean, yeah, I I took a lot of I took a lot of abuse from my older brothers.

SPEAKER_04: 27:37

What did they do to your one brother? They like kidnapped him and didn't tell him.

SPEAKER_01: 27:40

Oh my god, yes. So for my brother's 18th birthday, which he was 14 years older than me, so I was four. His friend dressed up in masked and came into the house, put a hood over his head and dragged him out of the house, put him in the car, and then drove him to his party. My mom knew this was going to happen. Right. But she did not tell me because I clearly would have told him. So we went, my mom knew it was about to happen. She took me back into the bedroom, but then she let me watch through the crack in the door. So she was watching and she let me watch. And the entire time I think that these people are stealing my brother and that she's just letting it happen. That was real, you know what? I think I understand my anxiety.

SPEAKER_04: 28:23

When did she break it to you?

SPEAKER_01: 28:24

Oh, after they left the house with him, but he went kicking and screaming. Yeah, like it was terrible, it was really traumatic for me. My mom used to hide and jump out at things. Okay, here's another look into why Amanda has all of the neuroses that she has. My my oldest brother uh had brain cancer and he was in the hospital, and that was the first time my mom let me stay by myself because she had to go to the hospital. I was maybe well, I was 11 when he died. So I was like 10 or 11.

SPEAKER_02: 28:54

Right.

SPEAKER_01: 28:54

And sh I was in the house, she snuck back in and like jumped out at me to scare me. Okay, I've already got the trauma of family illness, her being at the hospital, me being alone, and then she came back to scare me. She also got great joy out of making us feel like we lost things. A very vivid memory of being at Toys or Us, I don't know, maybe 15, 14 years old. We were there with my nephew, who was probably seven at the time, and my brother had set his wallet down when he went to pay for something, and then my mom just picked it up and kept it. And then he realized it was missing. She went tell him. She let him get all the way home and go all the way back to try to find it, and then laughing her head off because she had it.

SPEAKER_04: 29:38

Yeah, but is that her trying to teach him a lesson?

SPEAKER_01: 29:40

Maybe, but also she found it very, very funny. So, I mean, playing pranks on people. I grew up like this is a love language. So in marriage 1.0, I did this. You have uh made it very clear that there will be no pranks in marriage 2.0.

SPEAKER_04: 29:56

I don't like being surprised at all. I don't even like being surprised with pleasant things. Um you didn't like your 50th birthday. Oh, I loved it after the fact. I didn't love it. There was like a flash where I was just like real because it like it stresses me out. Like you're messing with people's feeling of safety and knowing what's gonna happen. And listen, the world in which we live now, absolutely we are not gonna break into someone's house and pretend to kidnap them. Okay. Right. Not a thing that's gonna happen. So, anyway, tell your story about what you did to your poor, unsuspecting now ex-husband that you will not do to me.

SPEAKER_01: 30:30

Well, he was really afraid of snakes.

SPEAKER_04: 30:32

Oh, okay. So am I.

SPEAKER_01: 30:35

I know.

SPEAKER_04: 30:35

Okay, just putting that out there.

SPEAKER_01: 30:37

So for Christmas, I got a very realistic looking National Geographic rubber snake and put it at the bottom of his stocking.

SPEAKER_04: 30:45

You're so bad. You are so bad. I would have pissed myself. What did he do?

SPEAKER_01: 30:51

Well, I mean, he pissed himself. He screamed and yelled and threw the snake across the room. And then he touched it? Yeah, because he had already pulled it out because you didn't like you're just pulling what's in your stocking out, right? But it was very realistic looking. So then I let some time go by and I took it and I wrapped it around the shampoo bottle in the shower.

SPEAKER_04: 31:12

You're so bad. You're so bad. You're so bad. Wait, is this after everything though? Was let me so I need to ask the question. Was this after things had gone down to the road?

SPEAKER_01: 31:22

No, this is before we ever had Muffy. This is when we were first married.

SPEAKER_04: 31:24

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_01: 31:25

Things were still okay.

SPEAKER_04: 31:26

Yeah, apparently not.

SPEAKER_01: 31:28

I wrapped it around so bad. I wrapped it around the shampoo bottle. He was in the shower, and all of a sudden he comes running through the apartment naked, screaming, Why the hell is the damn snake in the shower? And I was laughing hysterically. But what would you do?

SPEAKER_04: 31:46

What would I do?

SPEAKER_01: 31:47

Yes.

SPEAKER_04: 31:48

I don't know, but the noises I would make would not be able to be heard by human ears.

SPEAKER_01: 31:52

I mean, I in in hindsight, doing it in the shower was a really bad idea because he could have slipped and fallen and hit his head and it could have been very bad.

SPEAKER_04: 31:59

That would not have been pleasant. Because you'd have to have probably cleaned him up. Who knows?

SPEAKER_01: 32:03

So but you know, Winthrop has inherited this gene.

SPEAKER_04: 32:06

What?

SPEAKER_01: 32:07

The the surprising and jumping out gene.

SPEAKER_04: 32:09

I've told him not to do it to me.

SPEAKER_01: 32:10

He knows he's not allowed to do it to you. But the other day, and this was commit this was commitment on a level I haven't seen from him so far. I was in here folding laundry, and I had been in here for maybe five minutes, and I was on my side of the bed folding, and all of a sudden this little hand just reaches out from under the bed and grabs my ankle. And I screamed because I didn't know he was in here. Like it was commitment. See, you find that funny.

SPEAKER_04: 32:34

Yeah, because it happened to you. The worst prank that you've done or that's been done to you. Email us at familiarwilsons at gmail.com. We do have an email. We have a missive from our friend Refined Gay Jeff.

SPEAKER_01: 32:50

And Refined Gay Jeff had a birthday. I think I told you happy birthday last time, but I'm gonna continue to celebrate you, Jeff.

SPEAKER_04: 32:56

Jeff says this greetings, Wilsons. I hope this finds you well and not in the swath of ice magedon covering the southern U.S. currently. Dude, it was 82 degrees here today. He says this will be a very brief Refined Gay Thoughts. In fact, it will be singular. It will just be a refined gay thought. No S this week. He says, Yes, I do have many positive thoughts about heated rivalry, which I will try to address next time. And yes, yearbooks are still relevant. Jeff, instead of writing it in a refined gay thoughts, why don't you and Amanda do like a special podcast episode about it? I will facilitate the recording and we can actually hear your voice. Let's do that. He says the big story for Houston this weekend is the winter storm that is encroaching on the Gulf Coast of Texas, even as I type. We're currently in the 30s and freezing temps along with freezing rain and sleet should arrive around midnight tonight. When did he send this?

SPEAKER_01: 33:50

Yesterday.

SPEAKER_04: 33:50

Yesterday, so they have already arrived. I celebrated the upcoming event that will turn us all into ice princesses by having lunch with my gaggle at my fave Tex Mex place and had carnitas. Oh, I love carnitas. Did you have carnitas yesterday? No, you had bacca frita. Baca frita, okay. Um, then afterwards I had to run to Pet Smart to buy dog food for the pups and then went to the market for two more cases of water and some canned goods. Josh, I credit you with this, with your love of it, but I bought several cans of good tuna for tuna salad over the next several days. There you go. I love me some tuna, boy. So I went, I think, a year at work having tuna for lunch. Every day, a little tuna cup. They would just serve a tuna cup. It would have wilted lettuce on the bottom and then tuna. Boy, and I could still have it every single day. He said, I made some tuna salad uh last week for the first time in decades and absolutely loved it. So now it's one of my fave things and easy to make. Combine with that with some iceberg lettuce for that sublime crunch and a lettuce wrap, and that's some epic shit, he says. And he does.

SPEAKER_01: 34:58

Yummy, you don't curse, Jeff. You curse really like it.

SPEAKER_04: 35:01

Yeah, see, he's going for the crunch, not for the wilted lettuce that I get at work. After the market, my local liquor store is in the same strip center, so I had to go and vodka up to prepare for the next several days of cabin fever that will inevitably occur. So I guess he's in the midst of the cabin fever now, then.

SPEAKER_01: 35:18

So I guess no school.

SPEAKER_04: 35:20

So I guess no school. He says, then I came home and wrapped my two spigots on either side of my house and then blanketed and tarped my pool pump and pipes to protect them. I think I am now fully prepped and am just waiting for it to happen now. Wish me luck. I'm sure I'll be texting through Sunday and Monday. Oh, and Monday they've called off school. So there's your answer. So another four-day weekend, yay me. Well, except that you can't really go out.

SPEAKER_01: 35:44

And so are you not listening? He has vodka and tuna salad. It's fine.

SPEAKER_04: 35:48

He says Johnny and Hazel send wags and kisses to you and their cousin Wilson the pup. Peace and ice cream cookies, Jeff.

SPEAKER_01: 35:57

Thanks, pups. Wilson says hello.

SPEAKER_04: 35:59

Best of luck, Jeff, as you attempt to make it out alive from this horrible ice thing that's happening.

SPEAKER_01: 36:08

Yeah, I don't know how far south it's going because we have a really good friend in Charleston who said it's freezing temps there today. But we like our temperature was 82, our high was 82. I'm in shorts. And so Florida has agreed to not participate in the winter blizzard. I have very good friends who live in uh uh Ohio and Virginia, and they were out prepping, and they're both previously Tampa uh residents, and I asked them how it compared to hurricane prep. Yeah, and it's they said very, very, very similar. Interesting. I asked, I said, well, okay, but here's the big difference was all the box wine gone? And my friend said, uh, I just got the bourbon and not the box wine, so I don't know. But yeah, I um it's it's scary, especially if you lose power and it's super cold. So you guys stay safe.

SPEAKER_04: 37:03

All right, Amanda, that's all there is. There is no more. What'd you think of that mess?

SPEAKER_01: 37:07

I enjoyed that. That was fun today.

SPEAKER_04: 37:09

Yeah, it went really quick. We're actually at, well, right now in the recording, we're at about 40 minutes, which we'll probably cut some of that down. But yeah, that went really quick.

SPEAKER_01: 37:18

It was nice to talk to you today. Is it because I've been out of the house for like four hours shopping? That's my other favorite thing, is to go shopping on a weekend by myself.

SPEAKER_04: 37:26

Yeah, and I love that. Try to let you do that sometimes.

SPEAKER_01: 37:29

Oh, thank you for letting me do that.

SPEAKER_04: 37:31

Shit, I almost made it all the way through. All right, so these are the people without whom we would not be able to function in our lives, really. So thank you to Antonio, he's our expedition leader. He stared into the white horizon and said we press on, and no one questioned it. But Josh Garr, our ice navigator, confidently read the stars despite it being daytime and the stars not being visible. Thanks to Daniel J. Buckets, our chief ice core collector. He brought the wrong buckets, but somehow the right vibes. To Chicken Tom, he's our polar research assistant. He c he kept asking if penguin to Chicken Tom, our polar research stop, stop laughing.

SPEAKER_01: 38:17

You can't do it!

SPEAKER_04: 38:18

To Chicken Tom, our polar research assistant, he kept asking if penguins penguin. Penguin. Penguin. No, don't say it wrong. To Chicken Tom, our polar research assistant, he kept asking if penguins were chill like that. Wrong poll, Tom. To Matt, our survival specialist, he built a shelter entirely out of optimism and vodka.

SPEAKER_01: 38:44

Oh no, that's Jeff.

SPEAKER_04: 38:47

To Monique, Momonique.

SPEAKER_01: 38:49

You're having a rough time with our list today.

SPEAKER_04: 38:51

I am. To Monique, our glaciology consultant. And yet I can fucking say glaciology. Glaciology.

SPEAKER_01: 38:56

I don't think that's a word.

SPEAKER_04: 38:57

To Monique, our glaciology consultant, politely but firmly corrected everyone's pronunciation on everything. To Joey.

SPEAKER_01: 39:05

Joey.

SPEAKER_04: 39:06

To Ryan Baker, our snow provisions manager, somehow baked bread in a sub-zero conditions. To Ryan Baker, our snow Jesus Christ. To Ryan Baker, our snow provisions manager, he somehow baked bread in sub-zero temperature. To Leo, our Arctic Scout, walked ahead of the group dramatically, pointing at nothing, nodding, and returning. To Revine Gay Jeff, our ice elegance coordinator. He made hypothermia look cool. Yes. To Mark and Rachel, our Northern Lights watchers. Yes. And to Dan and Gavin, our iceberg logistic officers argued about directions, arrived first, and yet we still lost the Titanic.

SPEAKER_01: 39:50

I can blame the Belson for that.

SPEAKER_04: 39:52

Yeah, the Belson. The Belson. Just their unit. Alright, folks, until next week. Enjoy. Keep out of the icy weather, unless, of course, you're in Florida. Florida, and then you need to cool down. Go be kind. Bye.

SPEAKER_02: 40:03

Bye.

SPEAKER_00: 41:10

Welcome back to the conversation. Tell me who I'm talking to. Get on down to imagination. You are me and I am you. Stuart familiar. Stuart familiar. I wanna be stupid familiar. Don't be strangers.